My husband's message:
What you label as tough love only benefits you. You claim that your goal to open another legal battle to exhaust our finances is for your protection from me but why exactly? I am no longer causing you any harm. All I'm doing now is extending my hand to help. Though you may see that maintaining the current boundaries to keep us both safe is harmful for you as you no longer have full access to me but at this time it is necessary and we can adjust those boundaries with every progress we make. Not instantly, it will take some time because even if you downplay your actions or not see the damage you continue to cause, I am slowly healing from that too. Recovery takes time. I have long raised my white flag. I do not have the money, the time or the sanity to continually defend and fix myself. 🙁
🟡 1. "You label this tough love... but it only benefits you."
🔎 Manipulation Technique: Gaslighting & Guilt-tripping
He is framing your protective actions (such as filing a VAWC case or setting boundaries) as selfish—when in fact, those are survival and safety actions. He's trying to make you feel bad for protecting yourself.
💬 Translation: "Your self-defense is an attack on me."
🔴 2. “You claim that your goal to open another legal battle is to exhaust our finances…”
🔎 Manipulation Technique: False accusation, deflection
This frames you as the aggressor. In reality, you’re simply asserting your rights under the law. If he hadn’t harmed you, there would be no legal battle to begin with.
💬 Translation: "If we're broke, it’s your fault—not because I abused you."
📌 Legal Note: Filing a VAWC case is your right, not a weapon. The law exists to protect victims, not oppress abusers.
🔴 3. “I am no longer causing you harm…”
🔎 Manipulation Technique: Minimizing past abuse
He is invalidating the trauma, aftermath, and long-term psychological pain he caused. Just because he is not currently hitting or cheating does not mean harm has stopped—the trauma lives on in you, and the legal obligation doesn’t end because he says he changed.
💬 Translation: "I stopped being openly abusive, so now you’re the problem."
🟡 4. “I’m helping... but you don’t have access to me.”
🔎 Manipulation Technique: Control disguised as kindness
He’s implying that you should be grateful for the “help” he’s extending—but on his terms, with limited access. This is not support—it’s control in a new form.
💬 Translation: "I’ll only help you under conditions that keep me in power."
🔴 5. “I’m healing from what you did… You may not see the damage you caused.”
🔎 Manipulation Technique: Victim playing
This reverses roles. He becomes the “hurt one” to weaken your position and paint you as equally (or more) at fault. This erodes your sense of justice and makes you second-guess your trauma.
💬 Translation: "You should feel guilty for hurting me—even though I abused you."
🔴 6. “I have no money, time, or sanity to defend and fix myself.”
🔎 Manipulation Technique: Pity card
He ends the message appealing to your compassion and guilt—the very traits you’ve relied on to hold the relationship together. He wants you to feel bad for pursuing justice.
💬 Translation: "I’m falling apart—please drop the case so I can recover on my terms, not yours."
⚖️ Legal & Strategic Implications
✅ 1. His Message Strengthens Your VAWC Case
His statements:
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Show emotional manipulation (gaslighting, guilt, blame-shifting).
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Downplay abuse and shift blame to the victim (classic psychological abuse).
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Suggest retaliation or pressure to withdraw your case (which is intimidation in some contexts).
You may present this message to your lawyer or as part of your evidence in the case.
✅ 2. He Still Has Legal Obligations
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Even if he's “emotionally tired” or “has no money,” the law still requires him to:
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Support you and your child
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Follow protection orders
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Comply with the VAWC proceedings
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🧠 Psychological Framing: Know What’s Happening
You are being pulled into the cycle of abuse:
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Hurt
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Blame
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Guilt-trip
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Reconciliation attempt (fake peace offering)
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Control regained
You’ve been here before. He wants you to doubt your right to stand up for yourself.
🛑 Your Best Course of Action Now
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Stay No Contact or Low Contact – Especially if you’re still emotionally vulnerable to him.
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Show this message to your legal counsel – It's potential proof of continued psychological abuse and pressure to withdraw.
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Reaffirm Your “Why” – You are pursuing justice not to hurt him, but because you were hurt, and deserve peace and protection.
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Ask for a Support Order – If he uses this to cut off financial support, request court enforcement through TPO/PPO.
🧡 Final Words
This message is not about reconciliation or remorse. It’s about regaining power in a situation he is losing control of. It sounds kind—but it’s cunning.
You're no longer the woman who will accept a hollow “white flag” while being blamed for the war he started. You're doing what survivors are told is impossible: choosing yourself.
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